Casual Friday + Another Look at the Scale

And just like that, it’s Friday again. We’ve planned a few quasi-last-minute adventures and I’ll be back next week with all the details. The weather forecast is not ideal, but we’ll make the most of what comes our way.

But first, a quick recap of the week that was…

FRIDAY |

  • I had a rough night on Thursday (overall my insomnia has been so much better lately; I’ve got a health update post in the works!) and was awake by 3 am. Ugh. I went downstairs but could hear the kids up BEFORE six. Turns out they were preparing April Fools pranks. This is hilarious because I almost never do anything for April Fools and on a whim decided to trick them last year (I froze a spoon inside cereal and milk in the freezer and 100% fooled them). They repeated the same frozen cereal trick (a bit of a stretch since I don’t eat cereal very often) and also colored water yellow to make it look like pee (Sigh).
  • John and I did an outside run together (my first of 2022). I only did 3 km and was tuckered by the end, but I have to start somewhere!
  • After the kids finished school we headed off on a blitz of errands: I officially waved goodbye to 2021 taxes at the bank, dropped off a bag of kid’s clothes at consignment, and we bought Abby’s main birthday gift (a new pair of boots).
  • John and I watched the latest episode of The Dropout; I am really enjoying this show!

SATURDAY |

  • I got the chance to invest in a new friendship. I’ve casually known a person for years, but we had an impromptu meet-up a few months ago and last week I reached out to ask if she wanted to drop by for tea. She arrived at 8:30 am…and left at 12:30 pm! It was lovely to get better acquainted (she’s in her 50s and I really do value/enjoy connecting with people with some extra life experience).
  • I did two, short solo walks using my AirPods to call people en route. I am not a fan of phone calls and try to avoid them as much as possible (I would say I do 2-3 phone calls/month for personal connection – so not related to work/home management – which I suspect is shockingly low?), but talking while I walk is a nice way to fit them in.
  • I read a set of picture books that were forgettable to the kids at supper. After one such disappointment, I started the sentence: “Well that was...” and then I paused, not quite sure how to complete my thought (realizing that authors deserve respect for their craft, regardless of my perceptions). Abby didn’t miss a beat and said with confidence “…a dud.” My thoughts exactly and her deadpan reaction made me literally laugh out loud.
  • Date night. We watched Death on the Nile (it was okay) and the first episode of Only Murders in the Building.

SUNDAY |

  • Church! We were sitting several rows behind one of “the knitters” so I can’t confirm if she was knitting, but I like to think so.
  • I made Chicken Noodle Soup (for Monday’s supper).
  • Sunday morning friends had invited us over for a last-minute lunch. I prepped raw veggies and they did BBQ. They have a great backyard and the kids played on walkie-talkies, made a lot of noise, and generally had a blast.
  • We left their house and walked to Grand Pre, a UNESCO World Heritage site. We saw eagles, an otter, and Levi picked me a few crocuses.
  • Low-light: I felt ravenous all day. But in a weird not-really-hungry and not-eating-because-I’m-emotional sort of way. I’m blaming it on hormones, but it was frustrating and my clothes all felt uncomfortably tight.

MONDAY |

  • An April snow day and the kids ended up being off school.
  • I worked on the couch getting caught up on work e-mails that had filtered in over the weekend while the kids made their own breakfast (lovely), read their kids devotional/practiced their Bible Club verse together (also lovely), and then started fighting with each other (less lovely).
  • I was scheduled to host a little group to discuss the Find Your People book; that meeting ended up being canceled, but my best friend came over with her kiddos and we spent the morning together. The kids had loads of fun, including a rousing game of laser tag and some outside play in the snow.
  • That same friend (and the rest of her family) came back for supper. I am loving these Monday-night suppers. We had the soup (prepared on Sunday), crackers, homemade cornbread, and leftover birthday cake (from the freezer). The big kids played more laser tag and LEGO and I read the toddler 8 board books – the cuteness of the latter activity was almost too much to bear.
  • Random, but I set out a little table for two of the kids to eat at and it made me smile to see these chairs. When Abby was little someone gifted us the A chair and etched her handprints. I am, in general, not very sentimental about “stuff” but I want the kids to keep these chairs forever. When Levi was born, we commissioned the same person to build us an L chair. These get used for EVERYTHING and are so, so sturdy.
The handprints…
  • The evening ended on a high with a stunning sunset where everyone rushed to the window – even the kids stood still in awe.

TUESDAY |

  • It was a cold wake-up. We left the house with one child in hysterics over being told to wear snowpants and another child giving the silent treatment over being told to wear snow boots (there is SNOW on the ground, hence SNOW boots). But both kids found friends to walk with them and all was forgiven and forgotten.
  • I worked in the office for hours and started to stress about how busy May is looking – I have to organize a virtual research conference, two committee meetings, and finish quarterly reporting + prepare an annual report. All in the span of a little over a week. And there isn’t much I can do in advance to lighten that load. Oh well.
  • I worked off some of that anticipatory stress with a 3 km outside run. This run felt much better than Friday, but it is still discouraging how hard running feels right now. I’m glad I abandoned treadmill running this winter and focused on daily walking instead, but the fact that a few years ago I was churning out 10 km in under 60-minutes feels…completely unreachable, maybe forever?
  • Back to the office by lunchtime and my head literally hurt by the end of 3 hours of e-mails. I powered through a lot of big things, but when I dealt with one “emergency” it felt like another one popped right up.
  • After supper, we watched two episodes of Race the Tide, a Canadian sand-sculpture competition. We all really enjoyed it; what people can create from a giant hunk of sand is incredible.
  • I started – and finished – New Minimalism. I thought it offered a very balanced approach on the topic and more genreally I find this sort of book both calming and motivational.

WEDNESDAY |

*I am going to talk about weight – with specifics – which I know can be a triggering topic, so please feel free to skip this section*

  • A beautiful, crisp day. After the walk to school I made a batch of seed bars (seeds + water; they’re delicious)
  • Work, work, work.
  • A walk with my best friend. We spent 20 minutes at the end of the walk discussing some things that are currently feeling “hard”. I’m so thankful for this friend and that we can tell each other that it’s okay to stop saying “everything’s fine” and admit when certain things in life are a tough slog.
  • Back to do a work call. One part of my university role involves regular onboarding; instead of a video call, we agreed to do this session as a remote “walk-and-talk” so I paced back and forth in my neighbourhood, gesturing wildly with my hands and generally looking crazy to any neighbours watching!
  • 3 km run with John (we went in separate directions and met in the middle for a high five). My best run yet!
  • Another onboarding session (walk-and-talk), work, a quick hello to the kids and back to the office.
  • Post-supper = library + grocery store stop to prep for our little adventure.

And now a tangent time because on Wednesday I decided to take another break from the scale.

It’s likely not proper etiquette to share your weight with strangers (or even those closest to you) and weight, body image, and health are very broad topics with so many considerations (hence my warning above). I can only share my own struggles – mental and physical – with weight management.

And I find it hard to describe my experience without mentioning numbers.

As of Wednesday morning, I weigh 147 lbs. Like my age, I try to see this number as nothing more than a descriptive fact. But, if I bought into BMI mentality – which I don’t – it puts me on the low end of the “overweight” scale.

Some history. When I was 12 years old I weighed over 130 lbs. That is a lot for a 12-year-old (and I was not tall). At one point post-partum I weighed about 210 lbs.

Over the last decade, I have completely overhauled how I eat, what I eat, and how I stay active – and I am very happy with the major changes I’ve made and embraced for so long. I am confident many of these habits will stick for life.

But here’s the thing: if I am not mindful of what I eat, I will overeat. My body is geared this way and I have to accept that I will need to monitor my eating habits forever. Some of this is personality and lifestyle choices and some of this is genetic predispositions to high cholesterol and weight issues.

I know intuitive eating is a wonderful option for many…but I honestly feel like just about every waking moment I want to eat something; I also almost never feel full. True story. For anyone who doesn’t feel this way, I think it can be hard to imagine life in this reality (I have no idea how common my experience is?). It takes a lot of mental willpower for me to make good choices that don’t necessarily come “intuitively” or for which my body doesn’t necessarily produce accurate cues.

Suzanne had an excellent, balanced post earlier this week about eating healthfully/weight management and one of her comments stuck out:

“I’ve tried to accept [my body] changes, to eat intuitively, and to buy clothes that fit me. I feel like I should love my body. But I don’t. So wanting to lose weight feels like a failure. But the fact is, I DO want to lose weight.”

While I would love to say I don’t care if I stay at 147, I would like to reach some number in the 130s. This is arbitrary in a way, but it is most definitely the weight where I feel best. I feel best physically – for walking, running, and being active with my family. And yes, my clothes fit and feel better, too.

For most of the last 8 years, I have been gaining and losing the same 12-15 pounds. While I feel best in the 130s, I also have to accept I have a weight that fluctuates. A lot. Especially hormonally. So it feels like a difficult balance of keeping a pulse on things (which I need to do for health reasons), while eating “intuitively”…even though my body doesn’t always send clear signals.

With all that in mind, for the rest of April I’m going to listen to my body – hunger cues, but also “How do these jeans feel” – instead of being tied to a scale. If/when I hop on in May I would really like to see something in the 130s show up.

Because that is where my body feels best. But it might also say 147lb or 155lb. And…well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.


THURSDAY |

  • Hmmm. Thursday threw some curveballs that were pretty exhausting, to be honest. But I fit in lots of work, walked the kids to school, and managed another 3 km run (much tougher than Wednesday; I was underdressed for the unexpectedly chilly conditions!).

Now it’s adventure time!

Happy weekending! Any exciting plans in the days ahead?

Header photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

32 thoughts on “Casual Friday + Another Look at the Scale”

  1. I have the same experience with eating intuitively. While I buy into the idea that you should listen to what your body wants, and while I firmly believe that foods hold no moral value, I tend to overeat. I just love food and I love a lot of it. But that runs directly counter to my desire to be in a specific weight range.

    Love your photos. The A and L chairs are amazing — real keepsakes that I hope your kiddos treasure forever!

    1. Yes, yes! I love food and love to eat. And while I am slowly learning to drop the idea that certain foods are “good” or “bad”, I remember San mentioning she focuses on how certain foods make her feel. And certain foods (in particular: gluten, dairy, and refined sugar), really do make me feel crummy.

      I tend to have a hard time with portion control because I almost never feel “full” have learned to (mostly) gauge appropriate amounts over the years.

      I do love those chairs; the kids don’t think anything of them at this point but use them all the time and I hope they become treasured keepsakes in their lives!

  2. Ah, weight. Eating. Why is it so, so hard??? I haven’t really gone into detail on my blog (I will someday) but this is an area where I’ve struggled my whole teen and adult life. Intuitive eating doesn’t work for me either. I can either not eat at all, or I can eat a LOT, but I can’t seem to ever eat the correct quantity (or quality, a lot of times.) I used to never, ever want to know what I weighed (even when being weighed at the doctor I would stand backwards on the scale and ask them not to say the number out loud.) Now I’m okay knowing my weight once or twice a year, but I never weigh myself at home. So… just know you’re not alone. I’m wishing you the best of luck for the rest of April- I hope it goes well for you!
    On a much lighter note… I don’t like talking on the phone either. I would much rather text or talk in person. I wonder if more people feel like this or if it’s just us?
    Have a great weekend!

    1. I don’t know why I don’t like talking on the phone? I did as a teen, but I now definitely prefer emails and texting. I enjoy being able to fit communications in and around my schedule and think I just find it easier to write things than talk (and I also have time to prepare responses more carefully). Or maybe I’m just antisocial?!

      Quantity is hard for me to manage. That said, I also don’t do well with cutting things out entirely (I know you don’t eat any sugar and Gretchen Rubin talks a lot about how she finds it easier to avoid some foods forever). Seeing things as “seasonal” helps; I only eat Twizzlers twice a year and that makes them a real treat but I wouldn’t want to cut Twizzlers out of my life (I’m sure it would be fine, but I absolutely love having them twice a year).

  3. I am so happy we found each other on the internet! I can relate to your body and weight talk SO MUCH that I could have written it myself. I have no idea how much I weigh right now, but I think it is about 15 pounds more than I’d like to given how my clothes feel. I was also heavy early and then I got thin and disordered and now I am… trying to be normal? I also gravitate toward not healthy option and have to work hard to make good food choices– and then I resent how much time this all takes me/how much space in my head. And ugh. I soooooo get it.

    1. Sorry to hear you can relate, of course. But also – it’s nice to know others understand.

  4. I love those chairs! They are so cute and absolutely unique. I keep reading minimalism books even though I definitely get the concept by now – and lately I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube minimalism videos as well. I think you’re right that they’re usually peaceful and calming!

    In terms of weight – I have very strong feelings on this topic so I debated just skipping that section; but I wanted to ask if you have ever looked into seeing a therapist or nutritionist that deals with these issues? The fact that you say you will have to accept that you will need to monitor and stay vigilant about what you eat for the rest of your life makes me think that there may be more going on. I know how crushing this can feel so I wish for you mental freedom and peace!

    1. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment, Sarah.
      Over the years I have had great help from a wonderful family doctor, therapist and quite a bit of self-work in this area. That said, I won’t hesitate to reach out for additional supports.
      My comment about the lifelong necessity relates in particular to the fact that underlying genetic issues (hereditary high cholesterol, especially), are best controlled with a healthy diet and will be something I have to monitor forever. And even though I’ve changed my diet and habits in huge ways over the last decade, it does take regular monitoring because of my eating tendencies.

  5. Those chairs are adorable! I am not sentimental for the most part but I would hold onto those. Surely some day they would be put to use by grandchildren or something like that?

    Ugh, the topic of weight is tough. I do not weigh myself very often. I will go for long stretches of time without weighing myself. The last 4 years have been such a rollercoaster of being pregant/trying to get pregnant/pumping/nursing. So my body never really felt like “my own” until the last couple of months now that I am done BF’ing Will. I did weight watchers last fall and find that program works really really well for me. So I credit that for getting back down to my ideal weight/the weight where my wardrobe fits me. Going forward, I will use how things fit to monitor my weight. During the 2 years I WFH during the pandemic, I work sweat pants or leggings EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it turns out they do not give you any insight into whether you are gaining weight. Now I am back to wearing pants w/ buttons 3 times/week so that will be my gauge for how I am doing. The last thing I will say is that when you have shared pictures, you look beautiful and healthy! I wish we could see ourselves through the eyes of others!!

    1. Pants with buttons…who designed such torture? How I love stretchy pants!!!
      And your comment about perception is so true. I am aiming for healthy and am generally very happy where I am, just know that everything feels/functions (for exercise, clothes) better a few pounds lower than I am now…!

  6. I think we have similar weight issues. I have always wondered at people who feel full – what does that even feel like? Even at a huge holiday meal, everyone else is finished and talking about how they couldn’t eat another bite and I really think I could go back for literally more plates. Ha! I’ve basically talked myself into the idea of normal portion sizes and the realization that I will never feel completely satisfied. It’s hard to deal with and I imagine it’s even harder when you have children around because you want to model healthy food/eating behaviors for them!

    1. This is me!!! I stop myself at almost every meal based on mental signals (I should be done now), not physical cues.

  7. I like the letter chairs. They’re wonderful. I also like the sound of the book, New Minimalism. I’m far from a minimalist, but I think the concept seems sound. As for diet, and how to do it sensibly, everyone is different and how you approach food changes as you age. At least it has for me, the older I get the less I want to eat. Don’t know why, but that’s where I am now.

    1. Hmm. Interesting – it makes sense to think eating habits would change with age!
      I can see eating more slowly as the kids get older (I KNOW I eat too quickly); meals often seem to be rushed because of schedules (finish breakfast quickly before school; finish supper before bedtime)…

  8. I love Abby’s “a dud!” comment! Too funny!! Haha. I think it’s sweet that you paused and were mentally considering the author’s feelings…who definitely wouldn’t know what you were thinking or saying about his or her book! I would be the same way, though!

    Re: weight…oof, just a tough topic. I weigh myself very infrequently, though I’ve gone in phases in the past where I’ve weighed myself more often. It does mess with your head, though, and it’s a complicated measuring tool. I think that’s the worst part- it’s just not fully “accurate” exactly, so it’s confusing. Or at least, it doesn’t provide the full picture of how your body looks or your health.

    I always think it’s kind of sad how soooo many people (seriously, I feel like almost every woman I know) spends almost her entire life having some kind of hang up with her weight, a certain body part, image…ugh! I’m not at all immune either (objectively I’m quite naturally quite thin, but I still have certain parts of me that drive me absolutely crazy and that I always focus in on!), so I definitely don’t have the answers! But it does feel sad when I think about it.

    The only time I have ever intentionally lost weight was when I worked with a trainer and counted macros with specific targets for about 6 months back in ~2015-2016. The weight literally fell off, and to be frank I didn’t have much to lose in the first place. It was quite amazing. I actually ended up probably under-weight though at that time, and it definitely caused me to become unhealthily obsessed with my body and weight back then!

    Intuitive eating is really best, in my opinion, for maintaining weight. I think it’s just really tough to successfully “restrict” enough to be in the necessary caloric deficit to lose weight without some sort of tracking- at least for me. I used to be really into all of that stuff, and I know many/ most trainers recommend some sort of tracking temporarily while cutting down, and then transitioning to intuitive eating for maintenance phases once you’re at your goal weight. But tracking can be very triggering for many people. And it’s just not always worth it! You sound like you are on the right track with wanting to feel good and feel healthy as primary goals- focusing on that instead of how your body looks will probably lead you in the right direction, naturally!

    1. What a great/sad reminder that everyone seems to have this struggle. Ooof. As a Mom (especially with a daughter), it is such an important consideration.
      Tracking food doesn’t really work for me – and I don’t want to do it either, as I do want/try to eat intuitively.
      There was a time when I really did need to lose weight for health reasons (I’ve gotten my cholesterol to its lowest point EVER in the last few years) and I had to be very determined. At that point, specifically monitoring weight (and specific markets like cholesterol levels) was important. Now it’s mostly maintenance and tweaks to my diet.
      I want to be mindful about what I eat because I know how NOT eating mindfully can negatively impact me physically and mentally.

  9. I don’t have ‘the answer’ but I hope you find peace! I do think that with our current food options intuitive eating is very difficult and in many cases would lead to some weight gain than most people are willing/happy to accept.
    I am pretty lucky I guess in that I have never been outside of a relatively narrow weight range, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t spent plenty of time being critical about WHERE i am in that range, even if it’s a 5 lb difference! And in my current advanced age (almost 42) it seems like even at a given weight, the ratio of muscle mass matters much more . . .

    That said, my current happy medium is to try to do some kind of workout most days and eat healthy foods most of the time (but definitely not all). It has worked reasonably well.

    1. Thanks, SHU.
      I agree that current food options and even eating patterns (three meals a day + snacks) are a relatively modern construct that makes it much harder to eat intuitively. There is almost always a lot of food available for consumption at all times, which certainly wasn’t the case in generations past.
      You raise an important point (as have others) – almost without exception women, in particular, are critical of their body image, weight, size etc regardless of where they fall on the spectrum.

  10. I read this post yesterday and then felt I had to come back to comment, as the subject is pretty fraught and I, like all women probably, have very complicated feelings about weight. I wanted to frame my comment correctly.

    First of all, I wish you all the luck on your journey. It is really hard to come to a place of peace with your body, when our whole lives we have been societally programmed to be a certain way, look a certain way, and, frankly, to take up less space. It’s not our fault that we all have baggage and hangups when it comes to a number on the scale or a size tag on our pants.

    I personally have come to a place of peace and acceptance. I stopped weighing myself in August 2020, and I now ask my doctor not to tell me my weight, because that number can trigger disordered thinking. I am going to be 47 in a few days, and at this point in my life I know that my body will change with the years, and I am good with that. Our bodies are amazing, and I personally will not waste any more time being unhappy with it. I have, gradually over the years, come to a place where I love what I eat, and I don’t obsess or worry about food. I hope you can gradually come to that same place of peace.

    1. Thanks, Nicole. You capture so many important points so succinctly.

      It is a big topic and I’m never sure how to approach it correctly with close friends, let alone a more public forum. But, I do think it’s an important issue to discuss under an umbrella of respect and love knowing that so many people are negatively impacted by disordered eating and other related challenges. Yet, while every situation is unique – I think we can all learn a lot from others experiences.

      I love, love your point about us all having baggage – it reminds me of the book I read about phone use (by Catherine Price) where she mentions how billions of dollars have gone into getting us addicted to screens. We blame ourselves for our (perceived) lack of self-control, but fail to acknowledge that so much effort has been put into pushing us into these behaviours. The same can be said for eating habits…between the marketing of certain foods that may negatively impact people physically to the social pressures to look a certain way…we blame ourselves for lack of self-control or some other personal deficiency, but the cards are stacked against us from external sources.

  11. I’ve been enjoying your blog for a while and I also want to chime in on the weight–and fitness!–topic.
    First, I think its possible to (at least partly) dis-aggregate weight and fitness. You talk about feeling frustrated with where you are in your running abilities. I swear, I had the same exact conversation this week. Last spring I was training for a half and doing speed intervals in the middle of 4-5 mile runs…and then a few months later I got burnt out and stopped exercising altogether. I’m trying to get back into it and it was so frustrating and humbling to barely walk-run through 2 miles yesterday. SIGH. I am trying not to despair; I may not get back to that exactly but I know I can get somewhere better than this! I made a commitment to myself: I know I feel better when I am fit, and I want to be fit to enjoy hiking and playing with me kids etc. So I am going to focus on the destination right now and do what it takes to get there even when its uncomfortable or embarrassing. I am sharing my self-talk here in case it helps anyone.

    As you well know, exercise alone doesn’t do anything to the numbers on the scale. So getting back in shape is not going to get me back in the pants I want to wear (did I mention I gained 10lbs when I stopped running abruptly!?). I also find it really terrible to track foods, and have trouble with portion control. I decided for now I can’t do two things at once, so I’m just going to try not to gain any more weight while I get back some fitness and at some point I hope my energies will shift in a different direction. Probably when I hit a point where I feel like my weight is really holding me back from the paces or distances I want.
    IF you are interested, our medical understanding of weight and obesity has changed a lot in the last decade or so. There is a complex dance of hormone signals going on in the hypothalamus that tell us when to eat and when to stop. (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16340035/ for example). What I’m saying is overeating isn’t the character issue our culture pretends it is. We are born with, and also acquire or adapt, to have different appetites that are wired into subconscious regions of our brains. You seem to understand how your hypothalmus works (prefers eating a lot), and what you want your frontal lobe to do (stop your eating sooner) in order to get you to your goals. Makes sense to me! This is why we have frontal lobes, to help us modify our behavior. I think it is possible to want and to work towards having a certain weight/size and a certain fitness level in a way that isn’t disordered (at least, it is for me and I bet it is for you). I wish you peace and success and lots of downhills on your runs! 🙂

    1. Hi K.
      Thanks for commenting; it’s wonderful to have more voices chime in on such a big topic.
      Yes to feeling better when I’m relatively fit, especially because it takes a lot of energy to raise and engage with young kiddos! Focusing on the destination is a great perspective and overall I’m trying to do just that (though easing back into running after several months off is…tough!).
      I especially relate to this comment: “I think it is possible to want and to work towards having a certain weight/size and a certain fitness level in a way that isn’t disordered (at least, it is for me and I bet it is for you).” I believe this to be true in my life and still do think it is going to be a lifetime of having to be mindful of this balance because, for me, it doesn’t appear to come naturally. Sometimes it can feel like a bit of a burdern (I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of some people I know that can basically eat whatever they want and not gain weight yet who also naturally tend to eat healthy foods and reasonable portions)…but it’s also just a part of who I am and that’s okay. It’s all part of getting to know my body and how it responds.

      And yes to downhills. I live in a very hilly town and the sad reality is every run requires running up some sort of incline, but I try to tackle that first thing and coast on the way home!

  12. So, I’m curious! How have you managed to manage your weight in the past? I am also very hungry all the time!!! I’m almost 6 feet tall and I’ve been either pregnant or nursing for 4 years straight, so I’m guessing I do need more calories than the average person. I get stressed because my second is almost 6 months old and I have lost almost NO baby weight. He’s also a terrible sleeper, so
    I’m sure that impacts my hormones. I was given the generic “eat less and do more cardio” advice at my recent checkup. (Which of course just made me feel even worse about myself). I want to be at peace with my current body, but I’d also really like to lose at least some of the baby weight! It’s so hard and I thank you for sharing vulnerably.

    1. First, Katie, I’m so sorry it feels tough right now. Post-partum is an absolutely exhausting period (that can last a LONG time) and everything is constantly in flux – both hormonally and logistically. I get the “love your body” manta yet I equally understand the desire to actively manage weight. I don’t think the love/acceptance stance has to preclude us from also looking to tweak and modify things in our diets/lifestyle.

      I’ve mostly managed my weight over the last decade by monitoring. For a number of years, weighing in regularly was VERY motivating and necessary to keep me on track (I’ve lost about 60 lbs total from my highest weight post-partum). And, again, aside from just the weight these lifestyle changes have also been in an effort to bring my cholesterol levels much lower.

      Also sleep has such a huge role in weight loss and every other aspect of our health – both in terms of how insulin works in the body but also our ability to exercise/take the time to eat healthfully. Wishing you better sleep in the near future!

  13. First, those chairs are amazing.

    Second, life twins, including the teenage stuff & current weight. I’m 5’5″, and it’s been a struggle my entire life. I’ve worked out my entire life, and now get 90 minutes of exercise a day (or more) & it’s still a struggle. I appreciate the idea of intuitive eating as much as the next person, but my body is wired differently. I work really hard to keep my weight at a manageable level, and it’s still a challenge. On the flip side, my mom is tiny (like, has never been over 90 lbs when not pregnant, tiny). It was really hard as a teen.

    I consider myself a fit person, and while I know i could do more strength training, & eat fewer calories, I’m also working with my metabolism, and attempting to feed two teenage boys, so the plethora of snacks around my house would kill the willpower of almost anyone. I’m an ongoing work in progress, and I’ve reached a point where I’m comfortable with that. 130 is my goal weight, but 135 is probably my realistic weight. I keep chugging along, making small tweaks & working out.

    1. Yes – bodies are definitely wired differently and it can be hard to explain to someone (including well-intentioned doctors) how our bodies work and handle food, especially if it seems to fall outside the norm. I do work to keep my weight down for various reasons, but it IS work and I really do think it will be something I will need to pay attention over the course of my life to keep certain metrics at healthy locations.
      The second part of your comment I could have written verbatim (except for the teenage boys bit, but I have two kids and the plethora of food/snacks definitely tempts my willpower)!

  14. Those chairs are so amazing! What a wonderful heirloom for your children.

    I’m also glad to hear your insomnia is getting better. Hooray on all fronts!

    1. Yes, the insomnia over several months was…miserable. But it’s much better and I’m very relieved and grateful.
      I hope the kiddos enjoy the chairs for many years to come! I use them all the time myself to reach something in the top of their closets.

  15. Elisabeth, thank you for sharing such a vulnerable post, and for “going there” when so many people don’t (or won’t). It is a fraught topic, and your discussion of it was so heartfelt, and sensitive (of course, as it was coming from you!).

    I think you know now – thanks to my own recent vulnerable post! – that I also struggle with liking my body. My reasons are different – and I have different challenges with food and weight – but it can make life so, well, dispiriting sometimes. Because yes, the message is “Love your body as-is!” And when I don’t (and maybe this is true for you, too) I feel like I am somehow less-than, not as enlightened, or aware, as “everyone else” is.

    I wish I could give you a hug and remind you that you are such a beautiful soul, a wonderful mother, and a true friend. I know you know all those things, but everyone needs a bit of a reminder and affirmation sometimes. Perhaps we should arrange a blogger hug-and-support get together. 😉 It seems like it might be helpful for so many right now.

    Thanks again for sharing… it reminds me that we all have our vulnerable spots, that I’m not alone in having my own. <3

    1. Thanks, Anne.
      Yes, hard topics and we all have our own “baggage” – yet sometimes it helps to hear specifics of what others struggle with as we work through our own unique journey.
      Thanks as always for your kind words!

  16. While I am a big proponent of intuitive eating, I realize that this is easy to say for someone who never really had ‘weight issues’… if your body doesn’t give you the right cues, it can be very hard to rely on intuition alone and I totally get that you need to be more “strict” about your eating habits when these cues are misleading or missing.
    I also think that sometimes our “happy weight” is not the number on the scale that our bodies “naturally” (whatever that means) lean towards. I hope you find that happy medium and settle back into the 130lbs range!

    1. Such a good point. I think our bodies naturally tend toward a certain point (that can change over time). It’s finding the balance between “happy” and also having a weight that feels sustainable…because that “happy” point can require a constant slog which makes it very “unhappy” in many ways.

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